This year, I decided to create a list of Passive/Aggressive Holiday Rants. Originally posted on Facebook, I have gathered them here in one space for full enjoyment.
(No relatives were harmed in the making of these rants)
(and only a few are focused on anything real...you figure them out ;) )
#12
Of course it makes sense that it is more expensive to sit on Santa's lap than spend a day at Adventureland. On the one hand, your child gets to sit for 60-90 seconds on a total [male] stranger's lap. On the other hand, you have the Raging River. And that weird bear band in the Main Street area. And the Dragon. And the Tornado. And tons of Eastside WT.
#11
Dear Uncle Bob,
My personal life is not up for discussion. It's really not your business if I am dating. I do not ask if you are still happy in your marriage. The fact that you don't speak to each other except to criticize makes me think probably not.
Dear Second Cousin Morty,
We are related. Stop hitting on me. Our children would have seven fingers on each hand.
#10
Hey Wal-Mart...pork isn't kosher. So you should probably not have ham for sale with a sign that says "Hanukkah Special". Same advice goes to you regarding steaks and a "Diwali Special". Just trying to help you out there.
#9
Socks are the best holiday gift ever. You can never have enough socks. I especially like the ones with bells on them. That jingle with every step you take. No sneaking up on Santa in those things. No sneaking up at all.
#8
Yes. The egg nog is spiked. It's the holidays. People are supposed to be sloshed from December 1 until January 2. It's the law. Deal with it. Now, let's talk politics.
#7
It's always fun when Little Brother brings his toxic girlfriend to holiday events. Especially as she only eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and goes on and on about how gross vegetables are in front of the young children. Who then refuse to eat their vegetables too because all of a sudden an "adult" doesn't like them. Awesome.
#6
Yes, Uncle Bob. Please do tell the ultra graphic story of your recent prostate exam at the dinner table. That is not at all inappropriate. Perfect dinner conversation!
#5
Forcing your pet to wear elf ears or a Santa hat is totally degrading for the animal. But also totally awesome. Marge especially hates it. Yet we do it every year. :)
#4
Hey drunk guy at the bar on New Year's Eve-How did you know that I wanted to be bothered by you constantly-especially when you start singing Bon Jovi songs at me? You are not at all ruining New Years...not at all.
#3
Yes, please lets start talking politics after several bottles of wine and beer. That is of course the time for the ultra conservative and uber liberal branches of the family to discuss their polar opposite opinions on everything. Hurrah! Booze and health care...the perfect combo!
#2
Holiday sweaters have one use: To be on a sales rack at Savers so that my friends and I can buy you for $3 for "Ugly Holiday Sweater" parties. Don't be offended. Just don't buy anything beaded. Ever.
#1
Big family Christmas get-togethers are about getting together...not presents. But I like DVDs. :)
Happy Holidays everyone! Whatever you celebrate, celebrate with smiles. And alcohol.
(No relatives were harmed in the making of these rants)
(and only a few are focused on anything real...you figure them out ;) )
#12
Of course it makes sense that it is more expensive to sit on Santa's lap than spend a day at Adventureland. On the one hand, your child gets to sit for 60-90 seconds on a total [male] stranger's lap. On the other hand, you have the Raging River. And that weird bear band in the Main Street area. And the Dragon. And the Tornado. And tons of Eastside WT.
#11
Dear Uncle Bob,
My personal life is not up for discussion. It's really not your business if I am dating. I do not ask if you are still happy in your marriage. The fact that you don't speak to each other except to criticize makes me think probably not.
Dear Second Cousin Morty,
We are related. Stop hitting on me. Our children would have seven fingers on each hand.
#10
Hey Wal-Mart...pork isn't kosher. So you should probably not have ham for sale with a sign that says "Hanukkah Special". Same advice goes to you regarding steaks and a "Diwali Special". Just trying to help you out there.
#9
Socks are the best holiday gift ever. You can never have enough socks. I especially like the ones with bells on them. That jingle with every step you take. No sneaking up on Santa in those things. No sneaking up at all.
#8
Yes. The egg nog is spiked. It's the holidays. People are supposed to be sloshed from December 1 until January 2. It's the law. Deal with it. Now, let's talk politics.
#7
It's always fun when Little Brother brings his toxic girlfriend to holiday events. Especially as she only eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and goes on and on about how gross vegetables are in front of the young children. Who then refuse to eat their vegetables too because all of a sudden an "adult" doesn't like them. Awesome.
#6
Yes, Uncle Bob. Please do tell the ultra graphic story of your recent prostate exam at the dinner table. That is not at all inappropriate. Perfect dinner conversation!
#5
Forcing your pet to wear elf ears or a Santa hat is totally degrading for the animal. But also totally awesome. Marge especially hates it. Yet we do it every year. :)
#4
Hey drunk guy at the bar on New Year's Eve-How did you know that I wanted to be bothered by you constantly-especially when you start singing Bon Jovi songs at me? You are not at all ruining New Years...not at all.
#3
Yes, please lets start talking politics after several bottles of wine and beer. That is of course the time for the ultra conservative and uber liberal branches of the family to discuss their polar opposite opinions on everything. Hurrah! Booze and health care...the perfect combo!
#2
Holiday sweaters have one use: To be on a sales rack at Savers so that my friends and I can buy you for $3 for "Ugly Holiday Sweater" parties. Don't be offended. Just don't buy anything beaded. Ever.
#1
Big family Christmas get-togethers are about getting together...not presents. But I like DVDs. :)
Happy Holidays everyone! Whatever you celebrate, celebrate with smiles. And alcohol.
