The Twelve Days of Passive/Aggressive Facebook Holiday Rants 2010

This year, I decided to create a list of Passive/Aggressive Holiday Rants. Originally posted on Facebook, I have gathered them here in one space for full enjoyment.

(No relatives were harmed in the making of these rants)

(and only a few are focused on anything real...you figure them out ;) )

#12
Of course it makes sense that it is more expensive to sit on Santa's lap than spend a day at Adventureland. On the one hand, your child gets to sit for 60-90 seconds on a total [male] stranger's lap. On the other hand, you have the Raging River. And that weird bear band in the Main Street area. And the Dragon. And the Tornado. And tons of Eastside WT.

#11
Dear Uncle Bob,
My personal life is not up for discussion. It's really not your business if I am dating. I do not ask if you are still happy in your marriage. The fact that you don't speak to each other except to criticize makes me think probably not.

Dear Second Cousin Morty,
We are related. Stop hitting on me. Our children would have seven fingers on each hand.

#10
Hey Wal-Mart...pork isn't kosher. So you should probably not have ham for sale with a sign that says "Hanukkah Special". Same advice goes to you regarding steaks and a "Diwali Special". Just trying to help you out there.

#9
Socks are the best holiday gift ever. You can never have enough socks. I especially like the ones with bells on them. That jingle with every step you take. No sneaking up on Santa in those things. No sneaking up at all.

#8
Yes. The egg nog is spiked. It's the holidays. People are supposed to be sloshed from December 1 until January 2. It's the law. Deal with it. Now, let's talk politics.

#7
It's always fun when Little Brother brings his toxic girlfriend to holiday events. Especially as she only eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and goes on and on about how gross vegetables are in front of the young children. Who then refuse to eat their vegetables too because all of a sudden an "adult" doesn't like them. Awesome.

#6
Yes, Uncle Bob. Please do tell the ultra graphic story of your recent prostate exam at the dinner table. That is not at all inappropriate. Perfect dinner conversation!

#5
Forcing your pet to wear elf ears or a Santa hat is totally degrading for the animal. But also totally awesome. Marge especially hates it. Yet we do it every year. :)

#4
Hey drunk guy at the bar on New Year's Eve-How did you know that I wanted to be bothered by you constantly-especially when you start singing Bon Jovi songs at me? You are not at all ruining New Years...not at all.

#3
Yes, please lets start talking politics after several bottles of wine and beer. That is of course the time for the ultra conservative and uber liberal branches of the family to discuss their polar opposite opinions on everything. Hurrah! Booze and health care...the perfect combo!

#2
Holiday sweaters have one use: To be on a sales rack at Savers so that my friends and I can buy you for $3 for "Ugly Holiday Sweater" parties. Don't be offended. Just don't buy anything beaded. Ever.

#1
Big family Christmas get-togethers are about getting together...not presents. But I like DVDs. :)

Happy Holidays everyone! Whatever you celebrate, celebrate with smiles. And alcohol.

Winter in Minnesota

Chilling on the grounds of the State Capital after finishing the 2010 Twin Cities Marathon!


Rosie the Riveter in the House!


So, apparently I haven't posted anything since August. So here is a rundown of the Top 20 things that I have done or have been done in my presence or I feel the need to celebrate or commiserate since August:

(In order of how my mind remembers, not chronologically or level of coolness)


1. I turned 29 in September and had a big fun joint birthday celebration with Manfriend Pat.
2. Iowa State football team beat ranked Texas. In Texas. Holy crap!
3. I ran a marathon. That's pretty crazy. Ran it injured. Not smart. Finished it and have the swag to prove it. And the bum knee.
4. Glee is back on!
5. True Blood is gone until next Summer :(
6. I saw Back to the Future in the movie theater.
7. I moved to a new apartment in a super fun neighborhood.
8. I dressed as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween.
9. The suburbs still make me apprehensive. Will avoid moving there at all costs.
10. I am no longer an IKEA hater. New duvet cover-$14. Yes Thank You!
11. I think Brett Favre is a dirtbag. I did not like him last season, and now that he's throwing this season, others have joined my team of Favre-Haters.
12. I dropped out of Christmas Chorale. I am done with the Northwest suburbs. And I didn't like the music. I'll miss our awesome director though.
13. Bishops Pie is the best and I will make one every month until I weigh 200 pounds and can't fit between my sink and stove anymore. Yeah, my new place is pretty small...
14. One of the radio stations in the Twin Cities started playing Christmas music on November 8. That is SO not acceptable.
15. We had our first snow last weekend. It was beautiful :)
16. I've become a bit of a Cupid.
17. Some crackpot surburban kid killed two women in Iowa this week. I thought St. Louis Park was one of the nice suburbs. Just goes to show you...suburbs suck.
18. The movie Burlesque looks absolutely ridiculous. And not in the ridiculous way that I like, but in the "holy crap this is the worst thing ever" kind of way.
19. I might be the only person still renting dvds from Blockbuster. And they should reward me. With free dvd rentals.
20. Going to Boston in February! Haven't seen my friends out there in over TWO YEARS! Ridiculous!

Chatterbox as a Protestor?

So, I think that if I looked back over the past two years, I probably average about 2 trips to Target a week. It doesn't help that I live in the Twin Cities and there are SO MANY Target stores here. Also, Super Targets have grocery stores...so yeah...:) However, after the $150,000 donation to MN Forward, which gives money to a MN gubernatorial candidate opposed to gay marriage, I decided to boycott Target. I'm only one person, and I definitely don't spend thousands of dollars there, but it was something I felt I had to do. And now, even though Target is apologizing for the donation, I am going to avoid shopping at the big box store. I already refuse to shop at Wal-Mart and K-Mart freaks me out...so I'm learning to shop at grocery stores again. And luckily I have easy access to really fresh and delicious produce (since Cub Foods does not...). And so, Target, I bid you adieu.

OK Stupid?

Ok, so after many, many, many conversations with my friend Maggie, I am going to attempt the weird and possibly terrifying world of online dating. I have been told that I can no longer use "I have no time" as an excuse now that the bakery is closed and I only have one job. Damn. So, onward and upward. This could get interesting...I won't use actual names, but I bet I'll have some stories...:/ I'm using OK Cupid. Because it's free.

Damn That Was a Fun Dam 2 Dam!

Was back in Central Iowa this past weekend to run the Dam2Dam 20K in Des Moines with Big Sister, cousin Andrea and friend Natalie. We had so much fun (well, I don't know if everyone was having fun during the race, but afterwards they were smiling ;) ) and although the first 8 miles were run in pouring rain, there is such a sense of accomplishment after a long race like that. Plus, the medal is Pretty Fancy. I tend to forget how pretty Iowa is and then I go back for a quick trip and I realize again how gorgeous it is. So much green! At least this time of year. And the people along the race route were great. Especially the ones sitting out in the rain! We ran over I-80 and semis would blow their horns as they passed under the bridge. Gearing up for the big MARATHON in October. I feel pumped and ready to keep training. I wasn't in nearly as much pain after this race as I was after the half marathon a couple of years ago...but as I went to a wedding Saturday almost immediately after the race, there wasn't really time for me to sit down and my legs to get stiff! Here is what I observed during the race:

1. I really like running without my iPod.

2. Saylorville Reservoir is HUGE.

3. Port-a-Potties are disgusting and smell really bad. I only used one once before the race started. Blech.

4. It's really not fair that guys can just step off of the route, pee in a ditch and then keep going. Every port-a-potty we passed had at least six women waiting in line.

5. Around miles 9 and 10, the houses are really cool...some need some TLC, but wow! Historic houses galore!

6. Melissa really needs to buy a coffee maker...no artificial energy first thing in the morning was a little rough.

7. The hill that we were dreading at mile 7 wasn't bad. The one that we weren't expecting at mile 11 kind of sucked.

8. I ran the whole damn thing. Nice.

9. The house that has all the Simpsons signs in the front yard right before the mile 8 market is awesome. Thank you for a great sense of humor!

10. I really like running in the rain. Like it might not be normal how much I like running in the rain.

Photo caption: Friend Natalie, me, Big Sister, Cousin Andrea

Gentlemen, Start Your Horses

This week's entry is in honor of my sister, who when I asked what I should write about, responded "bourbon". Not my favorite liquor, although I do enjoy a Jack and Coke occasionally, but it does make for a delicious ham glaze. She has bourbon on the brain right now because she gets to go to the Kentucky Derby with Manfriend Pat. So jealous. There is nothing like a five second horse race surrounded by hundreds of drunk women wearing gigantic hats. I love that the tradition of the big hat remains. I wish more women wore hats on a daily basis. I remember watching the Kentucky Derby that one time and thinking "huh, this seems...like it could be a fun time..." I'd rather be riding a horse than watching it run around in a circle, but to each their own I guess. Besides, at least at this event, I would be taller than all of the jockeys, which would make me feel superior for at least an entire day. So have fun Melissa and Manfriend Pat. I'll stay behind in Minnesota and drink a mint julep in your honor. "Gentlemen, start your horses!"

The Bucket List Grows

And the list grows...

*Go sky diving

*Ride a mechanical bull

*Run a marathon

*Go to Alaska

*Write a novel

*Go on an epic road trip

*Get a tattoo (but not a very big one)

*Make the perfect martini